Hey Michael, we haven’t had a new video in ages… What’s going on!? (M) Quick Alex, there’s only a week until polling day! We have to decide how we’re going to vote! (A) How should we do that? Should we do one of those political compass quizzes? No Alex! They’re biased! The manifestos, we need to use the manifestos. I’ve hooked the Tory and Labour manifestos up to a highly charged Electoral Displacement Field Hang on, you’re not a scientist – (M) I’m a Political Scientist! Quick, give me your arm. I’ve invented the Universe’s first political teleportation device. You’ll experience their programs for government first hand! (A) You’re sending me into the future? No you single-issue idiot! You’re going inside the manifestos. You’re going to find out what the parties are promising on several key policy areas. (A) But which key policy areas? I’m glad you asked. In this video we’ll be comparing the Conservative and Labour promises on Brexit, the economy, Justice and the NHS. (A)) What!? How do I do that? You’ll have to find out. But remember Alex, if you’re still inside the manifestos after ten minutes your atoms will be quantumly triangulated! (A) I dunno Mick, this sounds pretty dangerous. (M) Oh no no no. Manifestos are ideal senarios. There’s no fact-checking involved. It’s perfectly safe. Great Scottish National Party, it worked! I lost four other producers trying to get inside the Lib Dem manifesto. Oh – that’s going to complicate things for him. So this is the Conservative Manifesto. It’s so cold! Uh-oh – time’s running out. I need to find out about Brexit. But how? He might know…. Hey you – have the Tories managed to Get Brexit Done? Come to rub it in, have you? No I’m just new around here. Shhhh! Haven’t you heard? Newcomers aren’t so welcome around here these days. Not since Boris Johnson took us out of the EU by the end of January 2020, ended freedom of movement and began negotiating a new trade deal with both the EU and other countries like the USA and Japan. That doesn’t sound so bad. I mean, at least people aren’t talking about Brexit any more. You must be new around here. The Conservative plan has left No Deal as the default option if the government can’t get a new deal from the EU. Why else would Nigel Farage have endorsed Boris Johnson at the last election? No – Brexit is still always on the news, only now it’s a question of how right-wing and Tory the Brexit’s going to be. (A) Oh, I see. Well, even if there is no deal, wouldn’t a new trade deal with America make up for it? Oh, go hug a chimney. No, it turns out rewriting your entire trade policy in under a year as harder than Boris Johnson let on. So he’s had to compromise on British regulations to get Donald Trump everything he wants. Well, what can you do? The Tories are in power until 2024 at the earliest. Fancy a huff of me Chicken flakes? It helps bleach the pain away. Oh, goodness no. I’m going to leave now. Hey Michael, I think something’s wrong. This doesn’t seem like an idealized version of the Tory manifesto. I think there must be some kind of fact-checking interference? (M) You’re imagining things. Did you find out their Brexit plan? Yes. After re-election the Tories brought us out of the Single Market, the Customs Union and the European Court of Justice – what used to be known as a hard Brexit. That means no more freedom of movement and different regulations for products and in the workplace. Fine. Prepare to be teleported to Labour. That’s unpleasant. Hey look, Socialism. ‘Bloomers to Brexit! Bloomers to Brexit!’ Hey you! Have you decided how you’re voting in the Brexit Referendum? Brexit referendum? What year is it? It’s 2020 you big silly. Jeremy Corbyn’s given us a second referendum within six months of winning power. Ah. so he’s campaigning to Remain? No no no, he’s totally neutral. He’s Britain’s first zen Prime Minister. Aren’t you worried you might lose another Brexit referendum? Ah, that’s the beauty of it. Labour’s proposed exit deal is so closely aligned with the Single Market and the Customs Union that even if we do leave it’ll feel like we’ve stayed. (A) But aren’t Leavers incredibly angry? No, it’s fine…. (A) Yikes! Michael? The Leavers in Labour land are furious. Are you sure there isn’t interference? Give over and find out the Tories economic policies. Ah, the City. They should be happy about the Tories winning here. Excuse me, Mr. Businessman? How the devil do you know my name? I was just wondering if you had any takes on the Tories being re-elected? Huh. Mixed blessings I’d say. Like any right-thinking, tax hating Englishman, I was glad when the Conservatives pledged to freeze VAT, Income Tax and National Insurance contributions for the life of the Parliament. And I dare say that their pledge to reduce public debt over the life of the Parliament to be admirable and even handsome. (A) But?? But that was before uncertainty regarding Brexit caused a dip in the economy. How the Conservatives thought that they could increase public spending whilst freezing the three main revenue raising taxes is beyond even me, and I have a masters in business from business university! (A) I see. (BUSINESSMAN) Now I’m going back to my business! (M) What? Are the business people happy? (A) Not really – turns out Brexit has undermined the Tories’ ability to deliver increased spending and lower taxes (M) I’m shocked. I’m sending you to Labour. Excuse me, Mr Businessman? I just wanted to know how you’re faring under Labour? Have you noticed any difference? (BUSINESSMAN) Noticed any difference? Noticed any difference? It’s been absolutely tectonic! They’ve nationalized water, electricity and the railways. They’ve increased the minimum wage to £10 an hour for everyone over the age of 16. They’re giving free broadband to anyone who asked for it and they’ve set up a squat full of investment banks to fund crusty environmental technologies. They’re spending £400 billion! That’s billion with a ‘B’ mind. All with the aim of decarbonizing Britain’s economy by 2030 or thereabouts. (A) Wow! And they’ve done all that just by closing tax loopholes, increasing corporation tax and only raising income tax on the top five percent of earners? You gullible guttersnipe, of course not! That might be what they claimed, but the fact of the matter is you can’t raise that much revenue only by taxing higher income and corporations. We’re simply too good at squirrelling it away, what? No. The fact of the matter is if you want to splurge that much you’re going to have to raise taxes on lower-incomes. Now I’m going back to business. (A) What is it you do? Why, I’m a stripper of course! (A) So, Labour want the Government to have a much bigger role in how the economy is run, and rely less on the free market,
but there’s debate whether their tax plans are enough to pay for it. Sorry, who’s this? (A) It’s me! Oh right. Sounds like the biggest difference between the main parties in our whole lifetime. Even more than in 2017. (A) Exactly. So, can I come back now? My wrist strap thing is running out of time. I’m afriad not. I’m sending you to law and order Ah – Scotland Yard! (POLICE OFFICER) Allo Allo Allo, What’s all this then? (A) I was just wondering how life has changed for the police under Boris Johnson? Well, there’s more of us for starters, about 20,000 more. Which is about the same number as the Conservatives have cut since 2010, but what do I know? Oh also, they’ve let us keep stop and search so, hold your arms up. (A) Has anything else changed? Well, yeah they’ve built more prison places, and there’s tougher sentences for people who are in them. Tough Tory justice and all that. What else? oh, they’ve given us more powers to move along traveller camps, which I thought was oddly specific actually. Hang about a minute, what’s this in your wrist?? Oh that’s just a political teleportation device that allows me to transport into other alternative idealized parliamentary realities. I’m afraid you need a license for one of those. You’re nicked. Uh oh. Michael? (M) Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah… How am I gonna get these off? Can I be of assistance sir? Oh, thank you. But why? Well it’s Labour’s new policy to reduce incarceration wherever possible. Wait, you are nonviolent, aren’t you? Oh yes, very. Are there any other new poicies? Yeah, well there’s two thousand more of us than whatever the Tories promised. (A) What? That’s the promise. It’s two thousand more that whatever the Tories had planned. And they’ve reversed a bunch of legal aid cuts, so now when we nick people they can get a lawyer and a fair trial and all that. And there’s no more private prisons neither. (A) So it sounds like Labour has introduced a new approach to justice, one which prioritizes rehabilitation, access to justice and opposes the profit motive in prisons. Precisely. But they have let us keep stop and search, and on that what’s this on your wrist? Uh, Michael? Ah, a hospital. But how do I get in? Where am I? Oh, you’re in Tony Manifesto hospital. I’m afraid you’ve been in a little traffic accident. (A) Oh well, thanks for patching me up doc. But tell me, what’s your prognosis for the NHS under the Tories? (DOCTOR) Well, on paper it’s fine. The Conservatives have pledged 50,000 more nurses and 40 new hospitals. However a closer reading reveals that 19,000 of these nurses already work for the NHS. The Tories have tried to fudge the numbers by treating retention as the same as new hires. And out of these 40 hospitals only 6 are actually going to be built over the next parliament, the others are just seed funds – i.e. pots of money that may be used in the future to build hospitals. (A) Give it to me straight Doc, how long has the NHS got to live? The Tories have promised to maintain health care that’s free at the point of use, and to protect the NHS from any trade negotiations with America. (A) But? But we know the Americans want access to the NHS drug market, and that they’ll have the upper hand in the negotiations. (A) Sounds grim. Indeed. Now, that’ll be £2,000. (A) What? I thought you said they’d retained free at the point of use? Yes, but they’ve increased the surcharge on foreign nationals using the NHS, and your scan shows you’re not from this universe! (A) Uh-oh. Michael! Oh forgoodness’ sake. Ah, you’re awake. (A) Tell me Doc, what’s happened to the NHS under Corbyn? Is it a clean bill of health? The biggest thing is that they’ve ended what’s known as NHS privatization. Under the old Tory government all NHS services had to be put up for tender. That meant that cleaning, portering, canteens and building management all had to be bid for by private companies, who would then be paid by the NHS itself. Labour have done away with this, bringing everything in-house and, they believe, saving the NHS money. (A) I see. So what else is new? There’s free basic dentistry. They’ve also ended mixed sex wards, and they’re taxing milkshakes. (MICHAEL VIA WRIST STRAP) Alex, do you read? You’re beginning to triangulate. You need to come home! No! The milkshake thing sucks, but otherwise it sounds great! No Brexit, money for the environment, a progressive justice system and a generously funded NHS. I don’t care about my atoms. I don’t care about my taxes. I just want to stay here, in Labour manifesto land! (M) No can do, kiddo. I’m pulling you out. Alex, Alex, what did you uncover? (A) I uncovered that the Tory manifesto is horrible, the Labour manifesto is actually pretty great. Oh, I want to go back. Well, there’s way you can go back to the Labour manifesto for good. (A) Yeah? What is it? VOTE! Thanks so much for bearing with this video all the way to the end. I hope you liked it, and if you did why not share it with someone you like before the Election Day. There’s a lot of stuff that we couldn’t fit in. The biggest thing is probably the Tories’ ‘Constitution, Democracy and Rights Commission’ which is buried away on page 48. It seems to want to change the way judicial review works so that the Prime Minister has less legal scrutiny and accountability, which isn’t great so maybe look into that and make a big fuss on Twitter or whatever. The only other thing is I suppose if you’re a Conservative and you didn’t like our bias in this video all I can say is….
MICHAEL DROWNED OUT BY SIRENS.